Poem'ish'

i don't have much to say.

there are no words that flow.

she's not reading this anyway.

i'm only writing til i go

i don't know where i'm going

i wish i had a clue

i spend all my day watching

there is much i have to do

i didn't have an inspiration

for writing the poem before you now

my days are mostly preparation

for procrastination that I'll allow

Time for a nap?

l

In and Of Itself: I am a Cancer Dad

 A local friend I haven't seen or spoken to in years reached out to me last night for help. Lisa K. texted asking if I would be willing to talk to a family in Alabama who just got a Wilms' tumor diagnosis for their 1.5 year old son. These people are friends of her friends so it's difficult to say if we'll ever speak at all. Dana and I just know that angels reached out to us when we were in the thick of it with Emily and we have an obligation to pass this on to new families. We are seemingly a part of an unofficial group that welcomes 'new members'. No gift baskets; just try share our experiences and knowledge of a pediatric cancer that we know all too much about.

No need to wax poetic about any of this. I just know in my heart that helping new Wilms' families is what I should do. My experiences and knowledge here are nothing if they can't serve others. Dana feels the same way I do too.

Wishing healing and peace to that little boy and his family right now. They can use both.

My little Buddy

Yesterday morning at 8:00, Katie crawled into our bed while Dana was sleeping. She and I found something silly to quietly giggle over (stinky farts or my snoring was it?) and then she looked me in the eye and whispered "You always make me smile, Dad". 

A single word to accurately describe the overwhelming joy, happiness, pride, and humility to the point of tears I felt may not exist. I'll just call that emotion 'everything'. She couldn't have said anything more meaningful to me than that even if she tried.

Katie has a way of making my heart softer, my patience greater, and my laughter louder. I've practically convinced myself that I won't live long enough to see her be a young woman so I'm enjoying every second of being her dad and making these little moments last as long as possible. Fear of death isn't the way I live but I'd be lying if I said my expiration date isn't something I'm wondering about.

When I became a dad (again) at 42, I felt a little selfish for bringing a child into my world when I knew I wouldn't see every important moment of her life. When you stop and think about it, how can anyone see everything? As smart as I think I am, I still felt like I'd see all her moments that make life worth living. It's an impossible task for sure so perhaps I'm just going to try to be more realistic and simply appreciate what I'm here to experience and witness.

Life is mostly unpredictable and some events will eventually knock us all off the path we're on. You can try to figure out how you're going to get to your destination no matter the circumstances or you can just enjoy the journey with all the unplanned side trips you take along the way. My Buddy is not one of those excursions though. To think of her or her sisters as anything other than a dream come true would be inaccurate and dishonest. They're my world and I always wanted to be a dad. I am blessed to still be on the path even into my AARP years. (Yea, discounts!)

Katie's sweet little face and countless freckles remind me every day that she came into my life when I didn't know that I needed her in it. Yesterday morning she said she likes my laugh and without any question, I dig hers too. She always makes me smile too. :)

Summer Stats

COVID-19 stats as of July 20, 2020

Texas: 339,210 infected
            4,063 dead

USA: 3,930,058 infected
          143,537 dead

World: 14,761,111 infected
            611,736 dead


Just posting this to compare.

Stats

Corona Virus pandemic stats today.

COVID-19 in the USA
Infected: 757,636
Deaths: 40,223

Trump is avoiding responsibility and blaming everyone. Nothing new.

Time

Today I woke up and had to think for a few seconds about what day of the week it is. Is it Wednesday? Is it April 8th? Do I even need a calendar anymore? This confusion isn't only mine. I know we're all 'off' to some degree.

It's also getting more difficult to find time to be alone and write. These days are a blend of frequent interactions among 5 family members, homework, puppy sitting, housework, and meal making so to find time to sit at my laptop and write is few and far between. Socially distancing is taking a toll on everyone and especially on me since I'm usually alone.

So here we all are; quarantined, isolated, frustrated, and even scared. The trips I've made to buy groceries were filled with anxiety. Do I have to buy food or can I live off of what's in our pantry? Do I say hi to all my Kroger peeps or am I supposed to limit all social interaction to the bare minimum? The number of shoppers wearing masks has grown too. I went to Costco yesterday wearing my Star Wars fabric homemade mask and I don't think anyone even noticed it. No one is making eye contact anyway. Just do your shopping as quickly and efficiently as possible without getting the virus. This is straight out of a Sci-Fi movie I swear.

It's 2:38 PM and it almost doesn't matter what time it is. I don't think I've ever said or even thought that before especially with active children who heavily depend upon me for transportation. On an average BV (before virus) day I had to open maps and schedules to figure out how to successfully navigate everything. Not now! You want to sleep in till noon? Go for it. You want to stay up till 10:30 tonight? Sure! Why would I care? The kids still depend on structure even if the schedule is relaxed in nature. It's true that the actual time of the day is slightly irrelevant but keeping us all moving forward is more of my goal than ever before. We just can't miss assignment due dates because I no longer know what day it is. That's an excuse we ALL could use.

Adjusting to the pandemic will slowly take time and perhaps that's the focus we all need to take. I may not need a wrist watch or wall calendar these days but I do need patience more than ever. When I no longer know where I am then I'll finally consider myself truly lost. That's not today thankfully.

I have to go make dinner now. I think?



Current COVID-19 stats for the USA
Infected: 422,369
Deaths: 14,463

Daily Reminder to Shelter in Place

It's 9:31 AM on April 7th, 2020

These ae the current COVID-19 stats in the USA

369, 179 infected
11,013 deaths

Peak is predicted to be coming to Texas in late May.