Poem'ish'

i don't have much to say.

there are no words that flow.

she's not reading this anyway.

i'm only writing til i go

i don't know where i'm going

i wish i had a clue

i spend all my day watching

there is much i have to do

i didn't have an inspiration

for writing the poem before you now

my days are mostly preparation

for procrastination that I'll allow

Time for a nap?

l

In and Of Itself: I am a Cancer Dad

 A local friend I haven't seen or spoken to in years reached out to me last night for help. Lisa K. texted asking if I would be willing to talk to a family in Alabama who just got a Wilms' tumor diagnosis for their 1.5 year old son. These people are friends of her friends so it's difficult to say if we'll ever speak at all. Dana and I just know that angels reached out to us when we were in the thick of it with Emily and we have an obligation to pass this on to new families. We are seemingly a part of an unofficial group that welcomes 'new members'. No gift baskets; just try share our experiences and knowledge of a pediatric cancer that we know all too much about.

No need to wax poetic about any of this. I just know in my heart that helping new Wilms' families is what I should do. My experiences and knowledge here are nothing if they can't serve others. Dana feels the same way I do too.

Wishing healing and peace to that little boy and his family right now. They can use both.

My little Buddy

Yesterday morning at 8:00, Katie crawled into our bed while Dana was sleeping. She and I found something silly to quietly giggle over (stinky farts or my snoring was it?) and then she looked me in the eye and whispered "You always make me smile, Dad". 

A single word to accurately describe the overwhelming joy, happiness, pride, and humility to the point of tears I felt may not exist. I'll just call that emotion 'everything'. She couldn't have said anything more meaningful to me than that even if she tried.

Katie has a way of making my heart softer, my patience greater, and my laughter louder. I've practically convinced myself that I won't live long enough to see her be a young woman so I'm enjoying every second of being her dad and making these little moments last as long as possible. Fear of death isn't the way I live but I'd be lying if I said my expiration date isn't something I'm wondering about.

When I became a dad (again) at 42, I felt a little selfish for bringing a child into my world when I knew I wouldn't see every important moment of her life. When you stop and think about it, how can anyone see everything? As smart as I think I am, I still felt like I'd see all her moments that make life worth living. It's an impossible task for sure so perhaps I'm just going to try to be more realistic and simply appreciate what I'm here to experience and witness.

Life is mostly unpredictable and some events will eventually knock us all off the path we're on. You can try to figure out how you're going to get to your destination no matter the circumstances or you can just enjoy the journey with all the unplanned side trips you take along the way. My Buddy is not one of those excursions though. To think of her or her sisters as anything other than a dream come true would be inaccurate and dishonest. They're my world and I always wanted to be a dad. I am blessed to still be on the path even into my AARP years. (Yea, discounts!)

Katie's sweet little face and countless freckles remind me every day that she came into my life when I didn't know that I needed her in it. Yesterday morning she said she likes my laugh and without any question, I dig hers too. She always makes me smile too. :)

Summer Stats

COVID-19 stats as of July 20, 2020

Texas: 339,210 infected
            4,063 dead

USA: 3,930,058 infected
          143,537 dead

World: 14,761,111 infected
            611,736 dead


Just posting this to compare.

Stats

Corona Virus pandemic stats today.

COVID-19 in the USA
Infected: 757,636
Deaths: 40,223

Trump is avoiding responsibility and blaming everyone. Nothing new.

Time

Today I woke up and had to think for a few seconds about what day of the week it is. Is it Wednesday? Is it April 8th? Do I even need a calendar anymore? This confusion isn't only mine. I know we're all 'off' to some degree.

It's also getting more difficult to find time to be alone and write. These days are a blend of frequent interactions among 5 family members, homework, puppy sitting, housework, and meal making so to find time to sit at my laptop and write is few and far between. Socially distancing is taking a toll on everyone and especially on me since I'm usually alone.

So here we all are; quarantined, isolated, frustrated, and even scared. The trips I've made to buy groceries were filled with anxiety. Do I have to buy food or can I live off of what's in our pantry? Do I say hi to all my Kroger peeps or am I supposed to limit all social interaction to the bare minimum? The number of shoppers wearing masks has grown too. I went to Costco yesterday wearing my Star Wars fabric homemade mask and I don't think anyone even noticed it. No one is making eye contact anyway. Just do your shopping as quickly and efficiently as possible without getting the virus. This is straight out of a Sci-Fi movie I swear.

It's 2:38 PM and it almost doesn't matter what time it is. I don't think I've ever said or even thought that before especially with active children who heavily depend upon me for transportation. On an average BV (before virus) day I had to open maps and schedules to figure out how to successfully navigate everything. Not now! You want to sleep in till noon? Go for it. You want to stay up till 10:30 tonight? Sure! Why would I care? The kids still depend on structure even if the schedule is relaxed in nature. It's true that the actual time of the day is slightly irrelevant but keeping us all moving forward is more of my goal than ever before. We just can't miss assignment due dates because I no longer know what day it is. That's an excuse we ALL could use.

Adjusting to the pandemic will slowly take time and perhaps that's the focus we all need to take. I may not need a wrist watch or wall calendar these days but I do need patience more than ever. When I no longer know where I am then I'll finally consider myself truly lost. That's not today thankfully.

I have to go make dinner now. I think?



Current COVID-19 stats for the USA
Infected: 422,369
Deaths: 14,463

Daily Reminder to Shelter in Place

It's 9:31 AM on April 7th, 2020

These ae the current COVID-19 stats in the USA

369, 179 infected
11,013 deaths

Peak is predicted to be coming to Texas in late May.

Let It Begin With Me

Is it time for bed yet?

I don't ask much in life. I really don't. It's not like I don't have desires or wishes; I have LOTS of those.

For instance:
I'd like a Jaguar. The vehicle, not the cat.
I'd like a place in the Caribbean. Beach house would be great but I'd prefer one up on a hill with an overlook to the ocean. I enjoy binoculars.
I'd like my bald spots to sprout hair once again. That one is gonna take a miracle I think but I'm holding out hope.
I'd like a house that is drama free. I probably have a better chance of growing my hair back than that  I think.

The one thing I REALLY want and am lacking these days is a peaceful evening. That would mean:

No television.
No electronics.
No family game time where the children lose their shit.
No barking puppy. (No nipping, biting, or growling puppy either. The little fucker has needles for teeth,)
No teenage boys calling my daughters. They need to go away.
No arguing.
No talking back or talking of any form. Sign language might even be too loud for these people.
NO NOISE!


Every night around 8:00 I feel the urge to ask the question: is it time for bed yet? The people and the dog can stay up and I don't care if they ever sleep. I just have two goals: get into my bed while the sheets are still cold and refresh my Star Wars iPad game tickets at 10:00. All I need to do is make sure I say a proper goodnight to the noise makers and control my urge to play Got You Last. This should be easy. It's not.

Everyone loses their damn mind and basic common sense at night. What the hell? Do I need to sacrifice a rooster or something to get the volume down?

I am a simple person. Don't give me extra crap to deal with and I'll definitely be an annoyed S.O.B. if anyone starts crying. Ask my wife if I enjoy that particular drama or change of any sort. She might laugh in your face if you ask her.

So here I am. It's 9:40 PM and I'm trying to find a way to artfully end this post while making sure I don't lose the opportunity to avoid my family for the bliss of a quiet upstairs. God, please don't let me rile the children; I love a good game of tag but I really don't need to screw this up. I can almost hear the bed calling my name.

The christian hymn "Let there be peace on earth" is on an endless loop in my brain. Time to give that song a chance to finish.Only one way that will happen. Good Night, laptop!



Reality check: The kids are talking, I'm still not upstairs, and the COVID-19 USA infected account as of right now is 164,253. The number of fatalities is now 3,165. The school district alerted us tonight that school is out two more weeks, through April 17th. Have to wonder if summer break has already begun.

This pandemic is a nightmare.

You Are The Music In Me

I write for fun. I write for others. I write for the sake of remembering. I write for money.

I don't write to expose. I don't write to complain. There are many reasons I stay silent.

But I should write lyrics because I can and so many can not.

Needing writing inspiration. I finally got it from an old friend DJ'ing global alternative music on Facebook. Here are some of the lyrics I think I'm hearing from a "song" he's playing:

I just got paid the time. I am a carrot.
Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh
beep beep doink buh bum bum bum
ugh ugh buh bug buh buh bug bug…….Carpe Diem. I am a carrot.
Uh.........um….....what in the hell was that???????

This guy could be reciting bible verses. He could be selling house salads. I have no idea what he's singing and half of it wasn't English. Even the parts that were sung in English made zero sense. I do like carrots though. Surprisingly I'm both apparently appalled by his lyric proficiency and currently somewhat hungry.

I'll keep his beat and instrumentals but use words from my world:

A stay at home parent. Evolution revolution?
Not ready for kids 24/7.
A plan to move ahead. Maybe the one solution.
Going down the path to the true heaven?

The lyrics I composed sounded much better when I was dancing to the techno crap my Facebook friend was playing. Just trust me. Imagine a ton of deep bass beats thumping 'bum bum bum' while I'm singing about the most major life decision I ever made and you get the idea.


I'm not a lyricist but I do have a wife, three kids, and a puppy who need me to stay sane and for our benefit, writing for fun helps me move toward that goal. Truth is this blog is a break they allow me to have once in a while and I'm using every second as a mental vacation. Life downstairs and outside can pause for an hour.


For a reality check and a reminder of why we have a quarantine in place, the USA COVID counts as of now: 32,356 infected, 414 deaths. This is just the tip of the iceberg. My advice? Wash everything and keep a journal. Maybe write a song too.







.

Muh muh muh my Corona.

COVID-19 Quarantine Journal: The Corona Chronicles 

Days 1-3 (March 16-18, 2020)

Synopsis:

I'm at home with our three kids who may not return to school this academic year thanks to COVID-19, otherwise known as the coronavirus. Dana's company, Spectrum, will not allow her to work remotely. All five of us are healthy, as is our 16 lb. and 4 month old puppy, and we have enough food to last several weeks.

Life on earth has changed dramatically since many governments are instructing their citizens to self quarantine at home for at least two weeks. Most grocery stores near us are limiting how many paper products you can purchase and the shelves inside are bare of essentials such as eggs, orange juice, butter, flour, and rice.

As of this vey minute, the reported USA infected count is 8,019 and the death toll is 125.

All that said, if I had to chose one word to describe the current situation it would be "scary".


These are the facts. I wanted those out there before I let thoughts escape my head like steam from a pressure cooker. So thankful I'm using this medium instead of screaming otherwise I'd wake the puppy. Never wake the puppy. Never. Penny is a biter.

Observations:

1. President Cheeto is not good at anything except lying and most rational people would consider him to be a savant at that. I can't stand watching him or reading his moronic tweets. He's at best an awful person. He is woefully unable to coherently or competently address the nation about the coronavirus. We're all screwed.

2. Homeschooling in 2020 is easy despite everyone bitching about now having to educate their kids. Internet resources alone are sufficient to get the ball rolling. Common sense, patience, and research skills are all that's needed afterwards. Most parents should have all 3. Sadly for our society, "should" and "do" are not synonyms.

3. My kids make a lot of noise. My ears hurt.

4. Watching the pandemic coverage looks a lot like every apocalypse movie ever created. Starts off with one goober in a remote cave getting bitten and then morphs into hospitals everywhere overflowing within days with the infected. These movies usually include good looking people getting rescued from hoards of zombies by a helicopter. Anyone own a chopper? Just asking for a friend....

5. Writing a blog in the middle of the day with my family in the house wasn't impossible but I had to take breaks to: address 9th grade geometry, 2nd grade spelling, a 16 year old cleaning lady, and the incessant crying of our puppy in her kennel because she's Cujo Jr. when let loose. I prefer to keep my toes.


That's all I have for now. More Jones Fam CC to come. The crying puppy needs a nap.

Ramblings of a Sloppy Mind

Just about an hour ago I sat down to the computer because I thought I felt the urge to write.

Wasn't sure what I wanted to create but then again, I rarely do until my fingers start hitting keys.

I opened up Facebook and thought to myself "Hey..you can shoot out a post and see who wants to tell you that they're there." At the very least I thought I'd see if anyone else felt the earthquake that shook us at 5:37 this morning.

A quick internet search found an earthquake article from the local ABC affiliate so I did a quick read and then posted it to my account.

Did anyone see it?

Did anyone care?

Am I alone on the www?



So why do I want to write? Loneliness. It has to be that.

How can a man with kids, a wife, friends, and neighbors be so damn lonely? I can't be.

I am.

Hiding inside me is a monster. It's creepy, sneaky, and well camouflaged....but it's there. I've known about it for a long time.

I've tried to warn others and felt my super powers could destroy it. Sadly, I'm a daydreamer and none of this is real.

But IT is.

Give the monster a name and it becomes real. Show it any mercy and it grows. Becomes completely entrenched. Starts spreading to loved ones.

I'm rambling like a fool but that's what it wants me to do. Can't concentrate on a cure if I can't concentrate enough to start concentrating.

So very not confused but wish I was.

God help me.


Disturbed by the lack of disturbances so as to become disturbing.

Derrick Coleman was me and I was not him.



Well.....that was....................interesting.



Just realized I had low blood sugar so I ate 5 mini muffins and a half bag of chocolate Teddy Grahams. Feeling much happier now.


Bye!

I love sweet tea. Mint tea. Minty. Min-T




Still rambling.

I have to fold clothes now.

Reality.

Colon right parenthesis.

Birthday Wishes

OK. I'm turning 45 in a few days. What do I want? Well, from my family, that's pretty simple.

1. I don't want to cook and I want good meals. If it's fast and simple then you haven't done enough. Cereal is not breakfast either f.y.i.

2. Potty training takes a day off for the birthday boy.

3. Anyone but me will wash dishes. I don't care who else does it. Not Katie though. She's only 2.

4. The house could be picked up! Same goes for the piles and trash. We don't want to be on Hoarders, do we?

5. Zero noise pollution. Shhhhhhh!

6. Gifts should be electronic and not made for cooking purposes. It's not my dream to be a chef.

7. If I get a fun gift let me use it in peace! No guilt for playing with my toys would be nice too.

8. See #1 again. Don't forget I put that there for a reason. Chop chop.

9. No arguing by anyone. I want harmony and it's my birthday. I am right all day long too.

10. Don't ask me what I want to do for my birthday. We can't afford what I want to do so just use my top ten list to make me happy. Seriously. When we win Powerball this list will look MUCH different.


That's it. I'm a simple guy with simple desires. If there is one reason why my desires should be followed it is this: I'm halfway to 90 so be nice to me.

Thank you.

Thoughts on a Wednesday Morning

It's been a year since I posted a blog entry!

Did I miss writing a blog? Have I been occupied with life? Do I want to say something?

The truth is this: I'm sitting next to my 22 month old daughter as she pounds the kitchen table with two toys and I'm more worried about what she's about to do than if I can finish this sentence with any clarity. Katie is a pip and a half and more able to get into trouble than ever before. Case in point, she just tried to climb onto the very same table she's hitting. I got her off the chair she stood on and now she's climbing up the stairs. This is too much. I need a vacation!

I'd like to write a book but my life as the stay at home dad just makes that task too daunting. I know it's my loss and it will be a regret I'll always have. Finding time for me just comes with too many holes to fill for everyone else. If my life came to an end suddenly, I'm not stupid enough to believe that the world around me would crumble. I just feel that everyone who matters to me needs me to be me more than they need me to be a writer. In other words, I don't think my writing will make the world better for anyone else.

No pity party is intended by this. The life I chose for myself came with parameters I understood and accepted. I made a vow to do this job and I take integrity seriously. I know many other folks look at life's responsibilities as a series of plastic bags; convenient to throw away as soon as they're not needed. I don't share that view and quite frankly, I find it disturbing. It's also a lifestyle that makes me angry.

A bunch of life events have hit me at once and to not think of them is challenging. My daughters are amazingly able to keep me focused on them (they rarely leave me alone) and the worries I have about life manifest themselves in pre-sleep visions as I lay my head down at night. I'll write these all down at some point but even now, Katie is tearing up the playroom and I have that sixth sense telling me she's about to set the house on fire or at the very least give herself a boo boo. Once again, my world interferes with blogging. This sounds way too familiar.

I don't know if my next entry will come in 2014, but I'd like to think I can crank these out more frequently. If, when, where, and why are questions needing to be answered first. Well, right after I change the diaper that's hanging so close to the ground I'm amazed that Katie isn't using it in conjunction with her legs as a tripod.

Later. I think.

memory

I often look at photos of my children and try to remember what they were like at the time the photos were taken. Do I remember the sound of their tiny voices? What were their favorite snacks? How much space did I have in the house back then; before the toys took over? My mind tries to comes up with answers but I rarely get them. I suppose that if we were meant to hold onto all the information we constantly take in, our heads would be full before our 1st birthday. Information in means some memories get pushed out. Wouldn't it be great to be able to decide what you are going to forget? Life might be easier if that happened. Here's my big question: is the terrible stuff really worth keeping?

Facewaste

If Facebook is a venue to share our likes and comments, when is it acceptable to tell your friends that you dislike their posts?

Is there a wait and see approach that you need to adhere to; where you let others make affirmative comments before you slam your "friend" for having the mental capacity of a banana?

Can you just jump on someone immediately for his/her incessant need to post every detail including what their preferred brand of toilet paper is? I find myself wanting to un-friend people just because they post so often.

I'm also getting really frustrated with all my "friends" who feel the need to tell me how much they hate President Obama. I understand they are staunch Republicans who blindly follow party talking points, but could they just take a look at who they are supporting rather than who they want out of office? Mitt Romney WILL SAY ANYTHING to get elected, has a history of reversing his policies, and is CLEARLY OUT OF TOUCH with anyone not in the upper class. Are they so convinced that President Obama has done them wrong that they would be willing to vote for Romney; a man very likely to forget what he campaigned for? Come on people! Stop telling me how much you want our president out of office. You won't get any "likes" from me when you share your political ideas.

I suppose this all brings me to one very simple question: if I am bothered by so much of what I see, do I really need to be on Facebook?

If I just up and left social media altogether my life would be just fine. Problems pop up every day that need my attention so less time reading the daily drivel of people I never really felt that close to should result in more time for me to take care of what is most important anyway. Life is too precious to spend living vicariously through the status updates of others. It's fun but ultimately worthless.

 Good bye Facebook. I'm un-friending you. Post that.

Marriage Equality

If consenting adults want to marry one another, nothing should stand in their way. Stopping homosexuals from getting married is discrimination. It's just that simple and it's wrong.

Here's my problem with all those in opposition to gay marriage: where the HELL are they when they see teenagers drop out of school and have multiple children? The supporters of "traditional family values" have to know that those kids (i.e. "sinners" by the Bible's definition) will have a difficult life and it will be harder for them to compete for higher wages. The circle of poverty grows from there and succeeding generations surely will rely more on government help than through fighting for personal growth towards excellence. Shouldn't the opponents of gay marriage view immature and unwed teenagers starting families as a bigger issue and one that they need to be fighting against? Those folks just can't see through their hatred and bigotry for what is really killing "the traditional family". Gay men and women in loving relationships is not the problem. Stupidity is.

We sadly live in a nation that's getting dangerously less tolerant and increasingly dumbed down. This has to stop. Let all people in love take care of one another so that the rest of us don't have to.

Parenting Poetically

The baby at my feet is laid.
I fed her once, two poops she made.
There is no rhyme to this I fear.
My mind can't focus with her so near.


Trying to take care of junior while still have coherent thoughts and reasoning requires the use of all the brain cells I've got left. That ain't good. Of course as my luck will have it,  she's screaming/ velociraptoring  now. The tasks just got harder and my ears are ringing.

Isn't parenting wonderful!!!!

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. Now I know my ABC's, next time won't you find my keys?

No, it doesn't.

If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.

Uh, hold on a sec Kelly Clarkson. Are you sure? What if this thing that didn't kill you makes your life harder or just gives you the inability to do fun stuff? How the hell did that make you better off for it?

Let's say you really want to get a Big Mac because it's lunch time and you have nothing in the fridge that sounds good. You are all set to get in the van and head off to McDonald's but then you remember something important: there's a baby peacefully sleeping in the crib upstairs and you are the stay at home parent. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! If you wake her, free time is over. If you let her sleep, say hello to the two week old lunch meat that looks grayer than grandma. There is no win-win for you here. You are screwed, not stronger.

The American Idol winner is wrong. I am convinced of it. Hopefully another musical artist will get it right next time. Let's check the next selection on Spotify for clarity.


http://open.spotify.com/track/2ayGBCcM5zL8IPVc151ZLw

What the f????

If anyone can tell me what in the hell are they saying, I would like to know. For now I have no time to figure this out; the precious gift from God upstairs just woke up. The one thing I do know is this: parenting a baby does not kill you or make you stronger; it makes your back hurt. A lot.

Over Cooked

I think I'm done.

The other day, Dana asked me if I was going to keep writing. She knew it had been a while since I last sat down and wrote anything so she asked the question. I guess it was a gut reaction to reply that I'm done writing. Truthfully, I didn't hesitate saying it. Words just don't pour out of me lately and perhaps that's a good thing.

It's 8 AM on a Friday morning so forgive me for not further analyzing my life. Our two month old, Katie, kept me awake last night from the stress of her furiously refusing to take a bottle. My mind is tired, my body is surprisingly sore, and I just wanted to sit down at the computer to figure out how to move this day along. I had a minor urge to write but I think I'm done now.

To be continued is a question for another morning.

Christmas Past

It's a gray day outside my window as I sit in the bedroom, laptop open and ready to write. From my view, I can see the neighbor boy and a friend wildly riding bikes in the driveway while I simultaneously hear my older daughters playing the Wii downstairs. Thankfully all this noise hasn't woke our newborn, Katie (6 weeks old today), and she's finally sleeping in her crib. Now that I have some time to relax and observe kids instead of interacting with them, I wonder why my first thought is of our Christmas in 2007.

Our lives today are filled with schoolwork, activities and taking care of an infant. Back 4 years ago, our family had a much greater challenge as Emily was in the midst of treatment for Wilms' Tumors. In mid November, Emy had major surgery in New York City and it wasn't until mid December that we finally had clearance to come back home. Since we were gone so long and had no opportunity to decorate our house for the holidays, Dana and I decided that we would just "get to it when we got to it". After all Emily had been through, we really didn't have the time to even think about Christmas; making it through one day at a time was all we honestly cared about. Cancer was robbing us of having a normal life. It was pure hell.

But as we have come to appreciate, life filled with adversity does come with a beautiful counterpart. Upon arriving home from a world filled with pokes and fear, my family walked through the front door and saw that our Christmas tree was up, decorated, and had presents underneath.

A Christmas miracle! Hope, joy, and love bestowed on a weary family and especially a frail little girl with an emotional disconnect, fighting for her life. There are few sights I will remember more fondly than this. Emily's face: the amazement, happiness, life!!!!! I cry with the image burned into my memory. Her world was back to normal for a moment in time when she needed it most. Emily, our Emily, was back!!!!!

So here I am now, sitting in the bedroom and wiping away the tears of a Christmas memory. Why this is happening to me at this moment I don't understand. Perhaps my life has gotten "too normal" and God is reminding me to count myself as blessed. After all, I do have three healthy and wonderful children and an amazing wife I don't deserve. My world is good; I really do need to see that more clearly.

This day before Christmas Eve, I think a trip to the past was the best gift I could have received. My present is that much sweeter for remembering how far we have come. Hopefully this very special Christmas memory should keep me on the path of giving and appreciation; it's one road that can be bypassed when we sadly let selfishness take control of the wheel. Can't let that happen too often!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!