Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm so glad you decided to move into this corner of the world. On behalf of the welcoming committee, let me introduce you to the people you will be living next to. There are some items we'll need to talk about later if you have time, and alcohol. I'm sure you'll have questions soon.
Before we get started, I'd like to share with you some observations I've made from living here. I'm a resident of the cul de sac for the past 9 years and though I've lived here this long, I couldn't tell you anything about most of the homeowners. For some bizarre reason, many of these people never show their face in daylight and therefore, I've never seen them. My Realtor failed to mention anything about living in a ghost town but I suppose quiet neighbors appeal to most folks. Strange though; you would think that emergency vehicles that fill up your street, during a house fire like the one we had, would bring everyone outside. Can't say that happened for us. If you count the baby in my wife's belly at the time of our fire, I suppose you could say Dana wasn't alone. I guess the neighbors just wanted to give my frightened wife some privacy during our crisis. You'll see for yourself how the neighbors are so thoughtful that way!
Now that I've talked about our neighbors in general, let me tell you about the individuals who live next door.
The woman who lives on your left is Lady Deathwish, an avid art collector who oddly goes by the name "Electra Cuteme" when she's entertaining. We're not sure how she got that nickname but she sure likes to swim in her pool during thunderstorms. If you don't mind me giving you some advice, you might want to look into soundproofing the North facing walls of your home. Celine Dion is a wonderful singer and has a lovely accent, but after you've heard her songs for the 10 thousandth time, you'll want to rip your ears off. Lady Deathwish apparently has only one album in her entire collection so, how do I say this politely, I hope you like "Because You Loved Me" and enjoy the soundtrack from "Titanic". Good luck to you with that.
Ms. Deathwish, my fan club president and occasional paint thief, can be somewhat of an enigma at times. We both previously lived in the Midwest and therefore have a great time talking about corn, pork, and children who look like me. To everyone else in my house, the only conversation that Lady Deathwish will engage in, is the resemblance my kids and I share. I know that doesn't seem too bad but my wife wouldn't mind a shout out for her genetic contributions once in a while.
"Hello Dana. Wow! Your girls sure are pretty."
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
"They look just like Jim!".
Dana really hasn't had any other conversations other than this and honestly doesn't share the same warm feelings I have for Ms. Deathwish, but I'm sure Electra will make a wonderful neighbor for you. I bet you'll even get an invitation from her to go swimming. You might want to check the Weather Channel before you go over. Lightning seems to be Electra's favorite form of poolside illumination.
The neighbor to your right likes to swim just as much as Lady Deathwish but he prefers to go in his pool, and hot tub, mostly from 10 PM til 3 AM on weeknights. I'd go over to his backyard and introduce him to you, his name is Ima Noodist by the way, but there's a good chance that he's entertaining at the moment and I'd hate to interrupt him. Ima has lots of friends but rarely will you see the same woman over at his house two nights in a row. I guess you could say that he has a comfortable rotation of lady friends to keep him from getting lonely.
Mr. Noodist is going to be a constant source of joy for you in the years to come. We're not sure if he has ever looked over to our house to notice that we can see everything in his bachelor pad, but let me tell you this, privacy is not his biggest concern! He is an incredibly thoughtful neighbor in that he knows that we do not have a stereo in our daughter's room, so he makes sure that the music he plays, all throughout the night, can be heard by our kids! What a great neighbor! As far as bedtime stories go, he's a trooper with that too. My kids don't have television access to Cinemax and Adult on Demand, so he makes sure that they can see mature entertainment for free right outside their window. Nothing like sex education to give a child sweet dreams right before bedtime!
We are so blessed to have Ima Noodist to help us with all of this. Unfortunately for our kids, we prefer that they actually sleep at night and not during the day, so we moved them out of the bedroom that directly faces Ima's playground. The girls might be mad at us now, but their therapy bills will be cheaper in the long run. Besides, Ima will entertain all night long whether we care or not and thankfully, nothing bothers him.
Well I guess it's time that I get back to taking care of my house and family. I sure hope you enjoy your new neighbors and I am so glad that you moved into our cul de sac. I realize that I might never see you again, like everyone else here, so if you ever need anything, please feel free to knock on my door. Oh, and one last thing. Should you find any exotic animals or lost puppies on your property, the fella who lives two doors down believes in free ranging all of his critters. Just make sure you look in the rear view mirror as you back out of the cul de sac because Bacon, his pig, will be out looking for dinner. Don't worry though, your oak tree provides his favorite acorns so he's likely to be sitting on your front lawn most of the time.
Welcome to the neighborhood!
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